Protracted Negotiations
Children can fight longer, harder and dirtier than most adults, so why try to compete?
Learn to avoid unwanted negotiations.
Key Points:
- Children quickly learn if there is something to gained through protracted negotiation
- It starts long before they are able to talk
- It is important to learn the rule 'give in quickly, or not at all'
- But, remaining firm is made particularly difficult if you realise you probably should have said yes in the first place
- The key is to learn to give in both quickly and generously
- Achieve this and you'll find it much easier to remain firm on the odd occasion the answer needs to be 'no'
- Remain consistent and soon protracted negotiations will be a thing of the past
Fostering Protracted Negotiations
You only have to give in once after a lengthy negotiation to start yourself on a slippery slope that it is difficult to pull back from.
Children are pre-programmed to get what they want and need. Once they sense that they can win by protracted negotiation they will fight on and on and on.
But, worse than that, they will see you as weak. As someone, they, a small child, can beat into submission... It is not a good basis for mutual respect.
All parents know that it starts long before children have the ability to verbalise.
Prolonged crying, tantrums and other forms of non-verbal negotiation start early.
What makes it particularly difficult for parents is that in the early days crying is a genuine form of communication. It tells us that they need something whether it's food, sleep, a nappy change or something else.
As parents we are all programmed to respond to that cry with a frantic exploration of what might be causing it.
But at some point that crying becomes something else. A way to get what they want, not just what they need.
We have to watch for that transition like a hawk.
It's the start of the slippery slope.
Obviously children are not wrong to cry. It's still their dominant form of communication. It's just that we have to move in to a different mindset in the way we respond, or risk fuelling prolonged crying over things we don't ideally want them to have.
The years quickly pass and the crying turns to full blown tantrums and then takes on more of an element of verbal negotiation, perhaps still mixed with some sort of whinging, crying or tantrum.
It's hard to respect yourself and your own authority when you give in to this kind of tactic, let alone expect them to respect you.
They key is to give in both quickly and generously
Solution :- Give In Generously, Or Not At All
There is a well known rule for avoiding protracted negotiations:
"Give in quickly, or not at all"
On the surface it's all you need to know. It can, and should, work flawlessly.
But, what many people don't realise, is that the real secret is not so much in learning to remain firm, it is in the sophisticated art of giving in quickly and more importantly - generously.
The biggest reasons people cave in during a protracted negotiation are:
- they realise they could, and probably should, have said "yes" in the first place
- the price of saying "yes" now seems less than continuing the battle
- they're in a hurry and just can't afford to waste more time
- they don't feel confident in their own authority to say "no" when challenged
The first three reasons can all be avoided by learning to give in generously.
The last one above is a serious issue which I shall cover more in 'Generous Spirited Authority'. For now, one step to developing it is being certain in your own heart that you would have given in if it was genuinely the right thing for them.
But, learning to give in generously takes time and practice, especially if, like me, your natural first response is "no".
Some things that can help are:
- anticipation
- in reality the requests we face are fairly predictable, by thinking ahead we can consider the options and examine whether we are prepared to be generous before we're put on the spot
- being preemptive
- anticipation can be taken one step further by actually offering what we think they're going to ask for before they've even asked
- learning to say "yes" as a first response - I try to stick to the rule "say yes, or say nothing", for example:
- Yes, you can have a chocolate as your pudding
- Yes, that would be lovely, shall we add it to your Christmas list
- Yes, we can definitely do that tomorrow, unfortunately today we have to...
- Yes, I really love those too, wouldn't it be great if we could have one, what flavour would you get?
- offering more than they've asked for
- this is particularly powerful, especially if you understand them well enough to know it's something they would truly value
When genuinely put on the spot the two things I try to ask myself are:
- why wouldn't I say yes to that?
- what's behind that request? Is there something else I can offer that would do as well, or even better?
There's never any harm in seeking a deeper understanding as long as you can distinguish that from the start of a negotiation.
Every now and again, you may feel a negotiation is unavoidable, or appropriate. In those situations, initiate it yourself, start low, allow them to push you further (within reason), then hold them to their decision.
What you are aiming for is a relationship of trust and respect, your children need to feel that you would genuinely say "yes" to anything that can be said "yes" to and, that if you say "no", it's for a very good reason
Finally, it's worth saying that learning to be firm without being generous is not the same thing at all.
It may, or may not, have the effect of eliminating protracted negotiations, but it will not build respect.
Children know when they are being treated "unfairly" and they will find complex ways to "punish" us if we are abusing our position of power over them.
Created 10/01/2019
Last Updated 23/01/2019
