Resorting to Bribes, Threats and Punishments
These particularly damaging forms of control have no place in Respectful Parenting.
It is possible to learn to live without them.
Key Points:
- By the time the first year is out, our initial instincts to protect and nurture can quickly be replaced with a battle for control
- Bribes, threats and punishments might be considered acceptable by society at large, but they have no place in Respectful Parenting
- Using them has damaging consequences to our children and our relationship with them
- There is no easy solution
- We have to develop alternative ways of controlling and, more importantly, fostering self-control in our children
Introduction
Quite why our instincts and emotions lead us into such trouble with parenting is something I haven't fully resolved in my own mind. Yet, there seems little doubt that for many of us, they do.
Parenting is, or should be, a balance of protection, nurturing and control.
When we first look down at our own tiny baby, our thoughts and feelings are dominated by an overwhelming desire to protect and nurture, yet it's amazing how quickly the balance shifts. Only a few short months later we find ourselves attempting to control another living being with a very definite mind of its own.
If we are not careful, all thoughts of nurturing quickly get forgotten and our desire to protect becomes a battle to control.
Learn to banish these particularly damaging forms of control
Any sentence that contains or imply's 'If this, then this' or 'If not this, then not this' is a bribe or a threat. A threat carried out, or a bribe withheld, is a punishment.
When grasping for control it is unfortunate that many of us use such conditionals as the easy option. To make matters worse, we often have an instinct for picking the thing our children most desire, or fear, to use as a weapon to control them.
How cruel our instincts can be.
We have an enormous amount of power over the lives of our young children, but when it comes to bribes, threats and punishments, in the words of Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead:
"Just cos you've got the power, that don't mean you've got the right"
Countless thousands of years of history have taught us how to bribe, threaten and punish. Only recently are we learning to eradicate these things from society at large.
Parenting, seems to me, to be one of the last bastions of modern society where such things are, not only considered acceptable, but even encouraged.
One of the things I am most proud of as a parent is that I have virtually never bribed, threatened, or punished.
The two exceptions to this are the rare and controlled use of rewards to establish a new behaviour and a couple of misguided uses of 'the naughty step' when I was still learning how to handle a 2 year old... thankfully I never labelled it as such and quickly dropped it. I will cover both of these in future articles.
So, on the whole, I think it is true to say that nothing in my daughter's life is conditional:
- Pudding is not conditional on the amount of cabbage eaten
- A trip to the fairground is not conditional on days of good behaviour leading up to it
- Our Santa brings presents to all children, not just good ones
- Sweets and ice cream are never given as an incentive to stop whinging, or for any other reason
In fact, exactly the opposite, we look for the things she loves the most and give them generously.
The reality is, that whether you consider it to be morally acceptable, or not, there are good solid developmental reasons to banish these particularly damaging controlling interventions.
What happens when you start bribing, threatening and punishing? You:
- set up a potential battleground where ultimately there are only losers
- provide them with a weapon to use against you
- devalue the intrinsic nature of the thing you want them to do
- exaggerate the value of the thing promised or threatened
- disincentivise them from behaving well when there is no consequence
- lose their respect
- either explicitly, or implicitly label them as 'naughty'
- make the best things in life conditional and uncertain
- inhibit their own ability to develop self control
- teach them how to bribe, threaten and punish
- risk giving them an unhealthy level of treats
In time, you will need to escalate the bribes, threats and punishments to have an effect. You will find yourself promising things you have no need to promise and threatening things you have no intention, or ability, to carry out.
Solution :- Banish All Conditionals
There is only one solution to this one. STOP. There is no middle ground. Bribes, threats and punishments have no place in respectful parenting.
Instead you can:
- Find the things they love and give them generously at the appropriate time and in the appropriate quantity
- Talk about the things they love and help them to anticipate them
- Make sure they know that the things they love the most are never conditional and will never be taken away
Of course, it will leave a control vacuum, a vacuum that can eventually be filled with respect and self control (your's and their's), but that takes time.
Hopefully many of the techniques you'll find elsewhere on this website will help you fill that vacuum. Some things to start with are:
- Give Control To Gain Control
- Let go of control, most of the time you don't need it and you are inhibiting them from developing it
- The Power of Attention
- Use attention to reinforce the good behaviours while allowing the less desirable ones to fade away
- Age Related Expectations
- Develop an understanding of what is appropriate for their age and learn to accept it
- Say It Once And Wait
- Learn that once is enough, if you are patient
- Give In Generously, Or Not At All
- Avoid getting in to protracted negotiations
- First Seek To Understand - Learn how to develop an understanding of what is going on for them and help them through it
Above all, remember that they are people too and "just cos you've got the power, that don't mean you've got the right"
Created 10/01/2019
Last Updated 22/01/2019
