Why Do We Intervene?
Respectful Parenting

Maintaining control without having to constantly intervene is fundamental to respectful parenting.


As with all attempts at self improvement, heightened awareness is a vital first step.  What interventions are we making and even more importantly, why are we making them?
Key Points:
  • Reasons we make controlling interventions fall in to one of four categories.
  • As an existing parent, understanding these categories helps us to tune our awareness of when, how and why we are currently intervening.
  • As a new, or prospective parent, understanding the four categories underpins any attempt to avoid them.
Minimise Controlling Interventions
Introduction

Controlling interventions can take many forms. They can be anything from a guiding hand to help steer a child down a busy street to sending them to their rooms in disgrace.

In this article I'm going to restrict myself to verbal interventions. For example:

"Stop that."

"Come and eat your breakfast."

"You can have an ice cream when you've finished your dinner."

"If you don't finish your homework you won't get to watch TV."

"No, I said NO..... Oh, go on then."

"If I have to tell you one more time..."

"Be brave."

"No."

"Be good."

"Mind the ...."

Like weeds, once you start looking, they're everywhere!

Are we doing it because we feel responsible?  Because without it things would be chaos?  Because the behaviour of our children demands it?  Because it's the way we were brought up?  Because it's what's expected of us?  Or, because it's all we know?

The exact reasons why we step in to intervene are many and varied, but they all fall in to one of 4 categories:
  1. Transitions - all parents know that transitions from one activity to the next require careful management, they can be a major source of controlling interventions.
  2. Loss of Respect - respect for our children needs to be freely given, but the unfortunate truth is that it needs to be earned in return. Without it control battles are inevitable.
  3. Stepping In - "mind the ...",  "sit up straight",  "there's no need to cry",  "say please",  whether we're trying to be helpful, or trying to control our children's behaviour, the urge to step in is almost impossible to resist.
  4. Misbehaviour - there may be no such thing as an innately naughty child, but there are reasons why they might choose to misbehave.
In the rest of this article I'll take each category in turn and expand on what is causing us to issue controlling interventions and where to go next to learn how to avoid them.

How To Recognise An Inappropriate Controlling Intervention

Controlling interventions can take many forms. They can be anything from a guiding hand to help steer a child down a busy street to being sent to their rooms in disgrace.

In this article I'm going to restrict myself to talking about verbal interventions. For example:

"Stop that."

"Come and eat your dinner."

"You can have an ice cream when you've finished your homework."

"If you don't finish your homework you won't get an ice cream."

"No..... Oh, go on then."

"If I have to tell you one more time..."

"Be brave."

"No."

"Be good."

"Mind the ...."

These are all examples of controlling interventions.  Can you decide which are inappropriate?

The reality is that every time we issue a command or enter an unplanned negotiation we risk doing one or more of the following:
  • Initiating a battle of wills
  • Taking away control
  • Setting precedents
  • Weakening our position for future interventions
  • Being inconsistent with things agreed previously
  • Reinforcing negative patterns of behaviour
  • Teaching our children bad behaviour
  • Putting everyone into a bad mood
And perhaps most importantly, if things go badly, loosing respect in the eyes of our children. Even very young children will judge us if we get it wrong.
Making controlling interventions is a risky business!!

Thankfully, most of them can and should be avoided.  Some categories of intervention can literally be cut out altogether, they are always inappropriate and avoidable.

Others, it's a matter of circumstance and judgement.

The first step to eliminating them from your daily routine is to be able to spot them when you're doing it.

Here are some of the different types of verbal interventions we might make during the course of a day:
  • Commands
  • Conditionals (Rewards and Threats)
  • Admonishments
  • Cautions
  • Negotiation / Escalation
  • Attempts to Control Emotions
  • Saying Yes or No
Below I have categorised them into those that I consider to be always avoidable and those that are mostly avoidable.

Before reading any further.  Have a think about which of these you think you would like to completely avoid and which you would like to reduce.

Always Inappropriate and Avoidable

Commands, Threats & Escalation

"Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes."

"Dinner's ready!"

"Come and sit down, your dinner is ready."

"Stop that and come and eat your dinner."

"If you don't sit at the table right now I'm going to...."

This short example contains two types of inappropriate and avoidable interventions: Commands and Threats. Together they represent an example of Escalation.

The 5 minute warning is something that most parents grasp early on. It's a simple and effective tool for avoiding the need to step in and control.

If it works then the second announcement of "Dinner's ready!" should be all you need. These are both informational statements and are entirely appropriate.

Anything after that is an unnecessary and inappropriate controlling intervention.

Admonishments

"Stop that!"

"Leave that alone!"

"Hurry up."

"Don't touch!"

"That's rude."

"Sit down!"

"Be good."

The list is probably endless. 

These are our fundamental controlling interventions and yet, believe it, or not, they are almost always unnecessary, inappropriate and avoidable.

Attempting to control emotions

"Don't cry."

"Cheer up."

"Don't be sad."

"It's not that bad."

"Be brave."

"You'll love it."

People are rarely good at dealing with other people's negative emotions.  At best they make us feel helpless and at worst just frustrated and annoyed.

It's hard to stop yourself trying to tell your child how to feel, but it is always inappropriate.  Telling someone else how to feel is just a denial of how they actually feel.

Appropriate In Certain Circumstances

Negotiation

"Come on, it's time to go."

"Can I just bring teddy with me?"

"No, come on, we don't have time to go upstairs and get teddy."

"But I want teddy!"

"Ok, ok, just run up quickly and get her."

"Can I bring dolly too?"

"NO! I've just agreed to teddy, now that's enough."

"Oh pleeeaase... I want dolly too."

And so it goes on.  Where exactly it ends depends on the individuals involved and their history of negotiation.  It rarely ends well and it never comes without a cost.

The irony of negotiation, unlike all the other types of controlling intervention, is that it's actually something to be encouraged.  It's a powerful way of showing respect and giving back an element of control. 

The difference between appropriate and inappropriate negotiation is on how it is initiated and how it ends.

"Come on, it's time to go. Would you like to bring one of your toys with you?"

"Can I bring teddy?"

"Yes, just run up and get her quickly."

"Can I bring dolly too?  No, one is enough."

"Oh, ok."

Cautions

"Mind the..."

"Be careful of..."

"You'll hurt yourself..."

"Don't fall..."

"Slow down.."

Another, probably, endless list. 

Maybe these don't do so much harm as some of the other interventions, but 9 time out of 10 they don't do a lot of good either.  Overuse just weakens the impact, so save them for when you really really need them.

Rewards / Conditionals

"If you tidy your room you can watch some TV."

"Eat all your greens and you can have a pudding."

"You'll get a star for every time you say..."

We all love rewards, especially children, so what's the harm in using them?

Instinctively rewards don't feel as negative as threats.  They can occasionally be useful, but to use them for things that are just aspects of everyday life is always likely to be damaging in the long run.

Some of us get in to the habit of using conditionals without even thinking of them as rewards.  It's just so easy to say "if this, then this". 

In this day and age of eating disorders, obesity and diabetes, any conditional that involves food is particularly risky.  But, that's a whole different topic that I shall cover elsewhere.

Saying Yes and No

"No."

"Yes."

The simplest controlling interventions of the lot!  You can't seem to get through a day without saying them a dozen times.

So, when are they inappropriate?

To put it simply, they're inappropriate when you get them the wrong way round.

We should aim to say yes whenever possible, but saying yes when we should say no is actually worse than any of the other intervention types.

Accepting Responsibility

Hopefully we can start to recognise and categorise the interventions we are making, but how are we going to reduce or eliminate them?

The first step is to recognise that the need for intervention almost always stems from us as parents, not from our children.  It can be a hard one to get your head around at first.

Then, we need to develop alternatives.

All of this is covered elsewhere in the related articles.  If you're interested please choose another article and keep reading.
Remember, children are people too. If you wouldn't do it to an adult, don't do it to a child.
Created 22/11/2018
Last Updated 22/11/2018